The ABC.... of Relationships

Learn the grammar and then make your own rules - Issue #128

After years of stumbling through my own relationships and delving deep into the complexities of human behaviour and attraction dynamics, I feel compelled to share some hard truths with you. So, let's dive straight into the gritty details:👇

1) Compatibility is Overrated:

Forget about star signs, kundli and compatibility tests. Successful relationships aren't about being perfectly matched; they're about embracing differences and navigating them together. It's not your partner's quirky interests that put you off, it's your own rigid beliefs about compatibility that need adjusting.

Initially, my wife and I didn't share many common interests when we got married. However, as the years passed, we discovered the value in embracing each other's interests. Through mutual respect and openness, we've learned to appreciate and participate in each other's hobbies and passions.

Consequently, what were once individual pursuits have now evolved into shared interests, enriching our relationship and deepening our connection over time.

2) Seeking Validation is a Trap:

Relying on your partner for validation is a recipe for disaster. Your happiness should never depend on someone else's constant attention or approval. True fulfilment comes from within, not from external sources.

There are days when external stresses, such as the burden of paying back my home loan weighs heavily on my mind, making it challenging to fully appreciate the lovely dinner she has prepared with care and love.  Many times she took it personally and would stop talking and that’s the end of what could have been a beautiful evening. 

3) Resist the Urge for Novelty:

In a world of endless options, it's easy to succumb to the allure of novelty and constantly seek something new. But true growth comes from sticking with discomfort and deepening your connection with your partner, rather than constantly seeking the next thrill.

Social media these days offer exciting scenes and situations which makes us seek something or someone new.  Discover a means to serve and establish deeper connections with your partner, rather than succumbing to the impulsive desires of your dopamine-seeking brain

4) Love Alone Isn't Enough:

Love is a fleeting and subjective emotion. A strong relationship requires more than just love, it requires open communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to meet each other's needs head-on. Don’t make the foundation of your relationship on just ‘love’.

Ensure that you openly communicate and exchange the desires and needs that you both recognise, rather than relying on a vague notion of 'love' to excuse the shortcomings of your relationship.

5) Balance Closeness and Distance:

While connection is crucial, too much familiarity can breed contempt. Find a balance between closeness and space, allowing room for both intimacy and individual growth. Find a way to get out of each other’s way at times. 

6) Embrace Your Differences:

Stop competing with your partner and embrace your unique roles and needs. Instead of trying to be equals, celebrate your differences and complement each other's strengths.

There is never a 50:50 in a relationship. Some days it is 70:30 by me and some days it’s reverse. 

7) Don't Be Too Nice:

Maintain the passion and excitement in your relationship by avoiding the trap of becoming overly nice or complacent. Embrace your darker side, keep the spark alive, and never forget that you're in a dance of seduction, not a friendship. Find a way to have fun. 

Navigating a successful relationship requires honesty, self-awareness, and a willingness to embrace the complexities of human connection. By letting go of unrealistic expectations and embracing authenticity, you can cultivate a relationship that flourishes and grows stronger with time.

Pause and Reflect:

1. In what ways do I seek validation from my partner, and how does this affect our relationship dynamics? Do I rely too heavily on external sources for my happiness and self-worth?

2. Do I strike a healthy balance between closeness and distance in my relationship, allowing for both intimacy and individual growth? How can I create space for both within our dynamic?

3. How do I navigate conflicts and challenges within my relationship? Am I willing to confront discomfort and address issues head-on, or do I shy away from difficult conversations?

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Social health 

The social aspect of deep health encompasses the interconnectedness and support derived from meaningful relationships and social connections. It involves fostering a sense of belonging within communities, whether they be family, friends, or wider social circles.

Deep health acknowledges the profound impact of social interactions on mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Building and maintaining strong social connections can provide a sense of purpose, reduce stress, and offer vital support during times of hardship.

Additionally, engaging in social activities and shared experiences promotes resilience, enhances emotional intelligence, and contributes to overall life satisfaction.

Prioritising the social dimension of deep health involves cultivating authentic relationships, nurturing communication skills, and actively participating in social networks that promote positive connections and mutual support.

In my book Finding the Oasis, I have a section dedicated to Social health. You can order at www.sandeepmall.com

Cover photo by Mehak Sharma

All illustrations are by Kratika Singhal

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In case you missed the previous issue on accepting oneself, here are the key highlights:

1. Embrace authenticity: Being true to oneself and letting go of societal expectations can lead to a sense of liberation and inner peace, as demonstrated by Andre Agassi's decision to embrace his baldness.

2. Self-acceptance is empowering: Accepting and embracing our imperfections can lead to newfound confidence and resilience, enabling us to overcome obstacles and achieve our goals.

3. Authenticity fosters genuine connections: By being authentic, we attract those who appreciate us for who we truly are, leading to more meaningful and fulfilling relationships.

4. Conforming to societal norms can be limiting: When we prioritize fitting in over being authentic, we risk sacrificing our true selves and hindering our personal growth and fulfillment.

5. Authenticity requires courage: Breaking free from the social mask and embracing our true selves can be challenging, but it is a necessary step toward living a more fulfilling and authentic life.

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Before you go!

Did you like this issue? If yes, consider dropping your love on the socials and sharing it with anyone who you think will benefit from it.

See you next on the sixteenth Sunday of 2024. Take care!